Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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