im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
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Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
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At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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