i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you traded sex for a burrito?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
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I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
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I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
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