why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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