I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
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the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
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My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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