It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
