I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
