Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
