By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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