Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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