Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
