After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
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Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Someone stole a lamp last night.
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I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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