I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It's rum buckets o'clock
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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