Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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