3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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