i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
