Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
