This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
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We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
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If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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