getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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