Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
