Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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