my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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