Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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