There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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