I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
