Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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