I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
