as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
