allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
