I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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