She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
