this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I AM VODKA MAN
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
