dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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