hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
