The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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