Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
