i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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