Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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