I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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