Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
