Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.