"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.