:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack