the condom got lost in my hair
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day