Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
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Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
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You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids