I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?