This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize