I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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