he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
