K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
