i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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