i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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