Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
