This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
